Certainly in taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy, but in passing it over, he is superior; for it is a prince’s part to pardon ~ Francis Bacon

So much had been spent – some said as much as 1.5 million Naira. So much preparation, anticipation and salivation had preceded it. So many young, delightful and innocent ladies had trooped out on this God-given day to enjoy a once-in-a-year banquet and take a break from the sporadic supply of light and water which characterises their side of the campus. But then, little did they know that some ‘beasts of prey’ had gathered and decided to turn the evening of glee to one of gloom for them. And then, after their pitiful predicament at the hands of the beasts, we still have those who boldly suggest that pepper be carefully rubbed into their sore wound.

Milords, with what mouth may I conceivably argue in support of the unspeakable atrocities committed by supposed men of intellect on Saturday, the 7th day of November, 2015? Definitely not this one which is used to objectivity. Regardless of what lens you use to examine the series of events, culpability must still rest upon the Zikites. As our elders say, no matter how much Shaolin you deploy in throwing a hand fan, it will certainly still end up on its plane. Zik hall has been known to harbour sick persons even more than some ‘institutions’, but no one thought it would degenerate into shameless malevolence. The hall has been the heartbeat of U.I, but sadly latest happenings show it only to be the heartbreak of U.I.

Zikites must take the flak and be made to dance energetically to the stern reggae of the law. And my foremost reason for this submission is that in the chain of causations and stream of provocations, Zikites are recorded to have thrown the first punch. On the 1st of November, they embarrassed and harassed the ladies of Idia during their rally (done in collaboration with Mellanby hall) for no just cause other than the fact that they deemed them to be their birthright and felt betrayed seeing them with the Mellanbites. Did they expect that that moment would be allowed to pass without reciprocal gestures from the victims? Have they not heard that nemo supra lex (nobody is above the law)? Aside from the harassment of that day, they still went ahead to hurl objects at Idiates, inflaming them even more. Milords, though a man may be left to revel in his sickness, no one should be allowed to suffer a dangerous admixture of both superiority complex and rash megalomania. Whatever the Idiates did to retaliate was clearly an act of heroism and self-defence. An orphaned calf, it is said, has to lick its own back.

Furthermore, even if we assume for the sake of argument that the retaliatory act of bathing another person in a 95%-hydrous substance is truly provocative, this defence cannot stand the weight of both law and reason. This is because firstly, enough time had elapsed for passion to cool and for a bruised ego to heal. Zikites cannot possibly claim they acted in annoyance and under emotional pressure since they summoned a congress and rubbed minds for long on what to do. This provided more than enough time to regain consciousness and recognise the foolhardiness inherent in the counter-attack. And then again, the crime committed by the Zikites evidently transcended the measuring tape of proportionality. Milords, no amount of sophistry can establish a balance in the actions of the two parties. While one allegedly sprinkled urine on the other, the other decided to raid it, ruin its expensive affair, squander its sustenance, batter its people and cause many to land in the hospital. Even the blindfolded effigy of justice would quiver at such unevenness.

Moreover, a similar incident is said to have transpired during the regime of Abiose Olajide  (an ex-chairman of Zik hall) who wisely trod the path of patience and gentlemanliness, rather than that of barbarism and bullying. This did not make him less of a Zikite, and neither did it cause Azikiwe to rise to reprimand him for ridiculing the spirit of Zikism. A good precedent exists and passivity has been shown to be a gracious possibility. Anything which contravenes this and which stabs law and order in the chest must not be left to go unpunished. If not, posterity will one day point to us as excuses for their savagery.

Milords, let us call a spade a spade and pee culpability into the right hole. Zikites had no right whatsoever to do what they did and the guilty ones deserve neither pity nor impunity. A man who demonstrates his might by taking on a weaker person exhibits not just immaturity but cowardice. Oliver Wendell Holmes once remarked that your right to swing your arms ends where another person’s nose begins. Zikites this time have chewed more than they can swallow and they have sacrificed our collective repute on the altar of egotism. Hence they must be disciplined not only to curb further disturbances and teach other crazed students a lesson but to say loudly to the world that University of Ibadan is truly a citadel of intellectualism which lends no hand to barbarians.





“For whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” – Galatians 6: 7b

Living under a rock is not enough excuse for being oblivious towards the infamous clashes between Queen Idia Hall and Nnamdi Azikiwe Hall on Saturday this past week. As expected, students of the University of Ibadan, with their muses charged back to life by the intoxicating wine of creativity, have fabricated rumours and succeeded in driving these questionable hearsays with the vehicle of the internet to the bus-stops of uninformed ears. Sifting through the myriad of entertaining stories, it is now clear that the real culprits here, contrary to what some emotion-manipulating advocates might tell you, are residents of Queen Idia Hall. Do not be misled.

After the numerous half-hearted pleas on Facebook by concerned students to let piss rain…err…let peace reign (forgive my sloppy pen, My Lords), it is necessary to point accusing fingers at whoever deserves it. First of all, what conception of sanity accommodates the pouring of stale water and bodily waste on fellow human beings? When did it become justifiable to attack other people with close to no meaningful justification? Lord knows what sort of diseases Zik Hall students could have contracted already! Call me oddly old-fashioned but how are we sure there are no spiritual consequences to the showers of messes they were subjected to? It is incomprehensible as to how the perpetuators could be left to go scot-free. My Lords, do not be misled.

When you vote in immature and incompetent leaders, what you get is a pitiful scenario of competent and mature minds becoming weapons of stupidity and barbaric wisdom. The Idia Hall Chairperson, knowing that her hall would be having a lavish dinner later that day, did not deem it fit to caution her fellow “Idiates” against the violent way they welcomed their brothers from Zik Hall who only wanted to felicitate with them. In the wee-hours of the saga (yes, pun intended) a lot could have been avoided if she had seen it as her responsibility to completely contain the situation. She could have tried her best, maybe. But if her best had been enough, there would be no need for my pressed pen to pee ink on paper now.

We all know what they say about poking the bear, don’t we? What do you expect when supposed queens become ruffians? The Idiates started a fight they could not finish and now, they are crying foul. Ten strokes of the cane to the hypocrite!  Can you possibly imagine being bathed with fluids that escaped from menstural bossoms? My Lords, even the most rational of men would act out in the face of such circumstances.

It is of course convenient to side with the Idiates as the victim of this case. After all, they are only ladies. Anyone could claim it is a case of gender discrimination and hooliganism on the part of the “Zikites” and therefore, the Idiates are blameless. But that is to oversimplify the situation and overlook certain facts. Yes, they are the weaker sex (at least, physically). But then, even the weaker sex could be the wicked sex, if we think critically. When we fault the Zikites, it is over the fact that they went too far in their vengeance. However, we cannot even begin to speak of vengeance as a motive for the actions of the residents of “Queen” Idia Hall, because the supposed cause of provocation is a blurry affair. It is a well-known truism that during the Idia-Mellanby Hall rally, it was in the Great Independence Hall that the issue of wetting people occurred and not in Zik Hall. All Zikites did was to characteristically make jest of them, all in the spirit of harmless fun. But Idiates somehow believed that raining down urine was an acceptable equivalent reaction to this. Yet, we call the Idiates blameless. Please, do not be misled.

Though the Nnamdi Azikiwe Hall Chairman deserves some really serious spanking for his demeanour, it is still debatable whether or not disrupting a party was on the same level as being publicly humiliated by Idia residents. But, trust me, no one is asking if the Idiates were right to have acted in a manner my grandmother would call iwa obun (dirty behaviour). Is it not disturbing that our future wives do not only lack hygiene skills but also proper etiquettes? I thought part of being “worthy in character and learning” was knowing that when your bladder is full, you empty it into toilets and not on the heads of your husbands.

When the actions of people create a pee-pool in the heart of our dear campus, let us punish those unruly folks, even if they are the “weaker” sex. The baseline is this: if the residents of Idia had not been pissful in the first place, the campus would currently be peaceful. My Lords, I believe I should rest my pen here before this becomes a full-fledged pun-ographic argument.

SIDE NOTE: To start with, my condolences to Idiates who have been hurt and hospitalised. I deeply feel wounded by that. This is not to chastise the entirety of Idiates. Let me not be misunderstood. My primary targets are the erring residents of the hall.

CONCLUSION: This column is about you, it presents the two sides of a case courtesy of two writers from different schools of thought. “Audi alteram partem” means hear the other side before passing your judgment. Take the gavel, make your decision and slam because you are the judge in this courtroom.


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